Dear Old People.

Dear old people,

I have come to understand that you have a lot of complaints about my generation. We don’t talk to people. We lack respect for you, and institutions, and a bunch of other things. The way we speak and write is sup-par in your opinion, simply too informal. We don’t know the difference between the regular fork and the salad fork, let alone what side of the plate they should be on. My sincerest apologies. However, I’d like to take this chance to explain.

With regard to social media, a lot of us know it can be a problem. A lot of us use it healthily. We post pictures of our graduations, so our distant relatives—you know, you—can still be a part of our lives. We’re careful not to tweet those pictures of that party, and all those selfies could be a lot worse. Also, let’s be honest, this fixation you have with “the hand written letter” is getting unhealthy. The post office is a dying institution, and using that much paper is killing the only reliable carbon sink we have left. Besides, since when does the medium of a message mean more than the message itself? Who are you to say that I’m more sincere in a handwritten note than an email? Please stop demonizing the free and efficient technology I’ve grown up with. Literally every new technology comes with its downsides. Just look at cars.

Which brings me to my next point. I am truly very sorry for my generation’s misuse of the word “literally”. I will not, however, apologize for any of our other “misuses” of language. I’m sure super olden timey old people thought the loss of the informal “thou” or the popularization of contractions was going to be the downfall of society. Let’s not forget, though, that before the dictionary was invented, there wasn’t even such a thing as a misspelling. If you could read it, it was acceptable. So, old people, if you can understand us, then get over it. The point of communication is to—oh, yeah—communicate.

Now, old people, I respect you as much as I respect the next guy, but the notion that you deserve respect because you’re old is, quite frankly, ridiculous. Remember what you told us? “Respect needs to be earned.” And you are not immune to that. So, yeah, imam give you the respect you’ve earned on an individual basis, but as far as the whole lot of you, what have you done lately? I mean, most of you are still homophobic. Some of you are still racist, for Juan’s sake. And what did you do about climate change when you still had a chance at fixing it? Oh yeah, you didn’t pressure your government to sign the Montreal Protocol, that’s what.

Old people, on behalf of my generation, I’ll make you a deal. We’ll listen to your complaints about us as soon as you stop whining about the gay agenda, Mexicans stealing the jobs your retired butts don’t even want, and the stupid fork thing. If we all just ate with sporks and meat cleavers, this wouldn’t be a problem.

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